I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand

I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand
I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Awwwww-kward!

Well, after 11 days, we finally ran into our neighbors/ex-friends tonight.  We were outside playing when E and T drove by.  She didn't even look at us.  Next thing I know, T is walking down to visit which was kind of awkward.  I'm surprised E let him come down.  I've explained to Sidekick that they are not our friends anymore, and he always says, "Momma sad."  So now WTF do I say to him? 

T came down alone, but I had a glimmer of hope that E might join him, but she didn't.  Of course not!  Sidekick normally hugs T and worships him, but tonight he didn't interact much with him.  Was Sidekick being loyal to his Momma?  To make T not feel awkward, I just asked him about school, basketball, Halloween, etc.  I miss that kid!  It made me sad because I wonder what he knows, and I feel like it puts him in an awkward position because unlike Sidekick, he can makes sense of things.  It's not fair to him.

After about 20 or so minutes, E went out to get the mail, and when T saw her, he yelled down asking if he needed to come home.  She yelled back that dinner was ready, so he left.  Sidekick didn't really care that he was leaving.  I was sad about this whole situation, but I think I was just plain pissed at how it played out. She couldn't even wave!  Nothing!  I just wanted to yell, "Grow the F up, E!"  (Gosh, I have been swearing a lot about this lately!)

When we came inside, I asked Sidekick if he played with T.  His response was, "Yes. Momma sad."  I was already so angry with E, especially since she cut off all ties with us and Sidekick was so close to them, but now she's messing with him again by bringing T back into his life.  I want to tell T that he can't play, but that's not fair to either of the boys because they've done nothing wrong.  I also feel like it's very immature of me to act that way, so I will suck it up and be an adult.  Maybe this is somehow is how our prayers are being answered????  Sidekick has mentioned them in his prayers every night.  Tonight he reminded me that we had forgotten to pray. With his hands folded together, he said, "Have to pray, Momma."  E, T, and D were at the top of his list. 

So... when I thought I was getting over this and feeling a bit better about the whole situation, tonight opened up some of the wounds again.  What a mess!  How do I protect Sidekick this time around???  How can she be such a cold hearted bitch when we used to be so close?!?!?

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Church and Prayers

I didn't go to church growing up, but I wish I did.  I started going to one years ago and was going regularly and then I stopped going (long story).  I decided that Sidekick and I should start going again.  He goes to Kids Ministry while I sit and listen to an awesome Pastor talk for an hour. It's about the only break I get outside of my home, so I enjoy the time spent there in quiet "solitude".

Now that he is two, they always do a little lesson about God.  After his first time there, our conversation on the way home went like this:

Me:  Did you like going to church?
Him:  Yes.
Me:  What did you learn about?
Him:  God (WOW!)
Me:  What about God?
Him:  God helps. (WOW!)

One hour later, he had learned a little lesson about God.  I was proud of him and decided that together we will learn about who this God is. 

Last night we went to church.  I was hoping I would find some kind of peace, hope, understanding, etc. about the situation with my friend, E.  Boy, did I luck out!  The whole talk was about confession (not in a Catholic kind of way).  We need to confess to one another when we do something wrong.  If we know someone is mad at or upset with us, we need to stop everything and go to that person.  (These were all in verses from the Bible.)  So... the entire time I was thinking about E!  Am I supposed to go to her even though she said not to?  Confusion.

This is a contemporary church, so sometimes the Pastor does really cool things.  Last night at the end of the service, we were able to take a piece of fabric, write whatever on it, and tie it to a structure.  I asked to help me find peace and understanding with this situation and say kind prayers for E. I tied it on the structure, and went to pick up Sidekick.  I was still a bit baffled by the verse about dropping everything and going to that person if we know that person is angry with us.  Do I know/think E is angry with me?  I have no idea! So... Sidekick and I went back into the auditorium to get some clarity. 

I was going to ask an Associate Pastor, but the lead Pastor was just standing there, so with Sidekick by my side, I briefly explained that E is depressed, she relied on me all the time but she ended our friendship out of the blue, and she doesn't want to speak with me, etc.  Am I to listen to her or go to her like the Bible verse explains?  His answer was you pray for her.  Hmmmmm.  But he followed up with not praying that a boulder falls on her head.  Haha!  He told me that is one of the hardest things to do, but it's what I have to do. I fought back tears and thanked him.  I've only wanted peace and happiness for her, and even though I've been sad for almost a week, I still pray for her.  Apparently it's all I can do.

So, last night I decided to talk to Sidekick about praying.  I explained that we pray to God when we need help, when we are sad, when we are happy, when we are grateful, or when we need to be watched over. I asked him who we are going to pray for, and here was our conversation:

Me:  Who should we pray for?
Him:  Momma, Sidekick, E...
Me:  Why E?
Him:  E makes Momma sad.  (Wow!) 
Me:  Anyone else?
Him:  Monsters, Inc!

And with that, I laughed out loud, and I needed that.  Here when I thought I was getting to him, and he adds Monsters, Inc. to the mix!  Nonetheless, I think we will pray together every night because it was a quiet, special time together.

So, today I am feeling more at peace and calmer with the situation. I don't know if time has helped or if Church helped, but either way, I feel less sad, and for that I am so grateful.  We've yet to officially run into them outside, and I hope that when we do, we can be civil, but then I fear Sidekick's confusion with the whole situation because I know he'll want to run and hug them.  In the meantime, I am just going to continue working through this until it no longer hurts. Ever. Again.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Momma sad."

I am shocked that Sidekick acknowledges that I am sad and allows me to be sad.  "Momma sad.  Momma not better."  He then says, "*Sidekick* not sad. *Sidekick* happy."

I'm still so upset about my friend/neighbor, E, ending our friendship so abruptly.  What sucks about being a mom (single or not) is that our responsibilities are still there every day.  I've hated waking up in the morning because for about seven hours, I am able to get away from my sadness.  As soon as I wake up, I need to face another day and take care of Sidekick and Dog when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide. I work out of my home and while I should be out meeting with customers, I'm not motivated to do that. Since I've been home a lot this week and work is slow, the days go by slowly, and I have too much time to think about things.  Ugh!

I find myself looking back at text messages trying to figure out what happened, and I can't put my finger on it.  I have done everything possible to help her and support her and have gone out of my way to do so.  This "break up" was a complete blindside which leaves me so baffled... not to mention extremely hurt.

Even though she told me not to email, text, call, I had to.  It wasn't fair to me and she was being selfish.  It was a mixture of sadness and anger and empathy.  I told her how much my heart hurts right now, and how I have never given so much to someone in my life.  I told her how I hated her for doing this to Sidekick because he became so close to them, and how I hated myself for encouraging him to trust them and love them and my inability to protect him.  She always said we were put in each others' lives for a reason, and that we are here to learn lessons from one another.  I told her that I learned to never give so much in a one sided relationship because it only hurts me in the end.  I told her that I will not beg her to be my friend, and if I see any of them, I will not be rude to them.  I was going to somehow take the high road.  I ended hoping that she finds peace and happiness and that is all I ever wanted for her.  I apologized for not being the friend she needed/wanted. 

What is strange is that about an hour later, she forwarded the email to me with no message.  Was that an accident?  Did she mean to forward it to someone else?  Or was my friend right when she said that she forwarded it to me as if it was a piece of physical mail, and she was "showing" me that she didn't actually read it?  That thought makes me so angry!  Who does that?  Why be so vindictive?

I realize that this friendship was so one sided, so I shouldn't be so upset about this.  I never relied on her like she relied on me.  I didn't share my deepest, darkest demons like she did with me. Yet I miss her so much.  I miss the ability to walk a few doors down and hang out with them.  It's been raining for a week, and today is the first sunny day. I wonder what will happen if they are outside also. I'm not one to be anxious, but right now, all I feel is anxiety at the strong possibility that we will all be outside at the same time.

I know that time heals all wounds, so I'm hoping that I will soon feel better and back to my normal self.  This is no way to feel day in and day out. I miss my friend so much, and I just don't understand how someone can just cut all ties with me after she would break down in front of me almost every day and tell me things that were sacred.  Who does that???  I'm trying to respect her request to not email (again), text, or call, but I feel like I deserve an explanation. 

I feel like a shitty Mom because this upsets me so much and Sidekick knows it.  I all of a sudden feel lonely again, and that is an awful feeling.  I am truly, deeply sad.  No matter how much I try to rationalize the situation, accept what happened, etc.  I can't.  It just hurts me to the core of my soul.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Breaking up is Hard to Do

I am sitting at my computer crying right now, and the only way to deal with this is to write about it.  I've previously written about my great neighbors/friends who have an eight year old boy, T.  I've written about how our families immediately bonded, how D (dad/husband) has stepped up to an amazing role model for Sidekick, and how our boys are like brothers.  What I failed to mention is how my relationship with E (mom/wife) evolved and was centered around E's life falling apart around her. We immediately connected and had this strong friendship from the beginning, primarily based on immense sadness in E's world which is definitely not the right way to begin a friendship.   

Our friendship has been a bit one sided from the standpoint that I was constantly there for her, helping her, listening to her, etc. and that was okay because that's what happens sometimes in relationships.  She is a complete mess. She's mentioned on several occasions that she is a "fucked up mess."  She lost her mom to cancer seven months ago, and E tested positive for the BRCA Gene. As a result, she had a double mastectomy a year or so ago and a hysterectomy at the end of August.  Needless to say, she has gone through a lot.  She has spent countless times literally sobbing in my arms-- me, someone she just became friends with in August.  She's always said that we must have known each other in our past lives because it's like we've known each other forever. She truly believes that, and I often wonder if something like that is possible.  We had this bond that I've never really had with someone and while things seemed a bit one sided most of the time, I learned things from her along the way.  I considered her a best friend and was so blessed to have all three of them in our lives.

Last night I got an email from her out of the blue telling me that she can no longer be friends with me because it was too intense and was interfering with her family and life.  She asked me to not text, call, or email her.  I re-read that paragraph over and over again in disbelief.  Here I was thinking to myself:
  • I gave her my car (I have two: one personal and one company) for almost a week. Hers was in the shop after she put her car in neutral (long story about that) and without her in it, it went down her driveway, crashed into her neighbor's mailbox, and started to go towards to woods until it finally stopped. By the way, I saw the whole thing from my driveway, and immediately went to her to hold her and help her calm down, followed by telling her son to go to my house and get in my car so I could take him to school (since E was so shaken up.)
  • Her son stayed with me while she was in the hospital during and after her hysterectomy.
  • I've picked her son up from school and brought him home when she and D couldn't get him. 
  • I have spent hours with her while she talks to me while sobbing about everything she is dealing with in her life while doing/saying what I could to help her through it.
  • We've had full blown text message conversations about what she's dealing with because I know she breaks down any at given point in the day.
  • I've sent her cards of encouragement or dropped off a little gift to give her hope.
  • I have done everything I could to be a good friend to her, support her, and care about her. 

So, seriously, WTF????!!!!  She's mentioned before that our friendship is intense.  I don't know what that means to her.  Is it the fact that she completely opens up to me and that makes her emotions raw again? Or it's because she is so close to me, and I know too much about her?  I don't know.  I'd probably agree that it's intense (again, I don't know why I would use that word), but I would never end a friendship and demand to have no more communication with her.  She's relied on me so much, so maybe that's not a good thing???  She's told me that I continuously rescue her and that I give her so much.  So, this just makes no sense to me.

I am truly devastated by this whole thing, and for some reason, I feel like a horrible friend, and that I did something wrong to be completely blocked from her life like I never existed. A little piece of my heart has been yanked out of me.  I don't know what this means for Sidekick, and for that I am so sad.  It's hard when a friendship ends, but it's harder when those people are your neighbors and paths cross often. I feel like our families have broken up, and Sidekick can no longer hang out with T and D.  How do I explain this to Sidekick?  How is she explaining it to her son?  Our families have opened our lives to each other, and the door has quickly shut. D will side with his wife, as he should, but so many of us suffer as a result. I love that family, but right now I hate her for messing with my son's life because he became so close to them. Mess with the Momma but don't mess with her baby!

Relationships can suck!  This is an example of why I am so worried about dating.  While I really want to be dating a guy, I don't want Sidekick to bond with him only for that man to leave.  It's not fair to him.   I encouraged Sidekick to love them, trust them, and learn that there are other people besides myself whom he can count on.  All of that has been ripped away from him, and I hate her for doing that to him, and I hate myself for not protecting him better. Things are going to be awkward in our neighborhood and the thought just devastates me.

Right now I want to send her a text and write, "Fuck you!"  But that will accomplish nothing, and she made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.  It's just so unfair and hurts so damn much.  I'm just so, so sad right now.

I've always liked the poem below.  I've always felt like she and I would not be friends for a lifetime because our friendship is just so different.  I just never imagined things would end this way and so soon:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.


Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Donor Sperm Mix-up Lawsuit

I'm sure that most SMC (and most everyone else in the world!) have read or heard about the lesbian couple who chose/ordered white donor sperm and instead got sperm from an African American donor.  They are now suing the sperm bank.  Since I've always been open about being a SMC, sperm donation, etc., friends/family have asked me about my feelings/thoughts on it since I am the only person they know who has used a Donor. Without really siding with or against the couple, I do have some thoughts...

First and foremost, I have always believed that we get the baby we are meant to have.  It took me eight IUIs until I finally got pregnant with Sidekick.  Donor #1 ran out of sperm which devastated me, so I had to switch Donors in the middle of my tries.  Apparently, Donor #2 was meant to be my baby's Donor, not Donor #1.  I truly believe that.

It took me countless hours choosing a Donor.  There were characteristics I was looking for in a Donor, certain diseases/illnesses I immediately eliminated, personality traits I was trying to decipher on paper, etc.  More than anything, if sperm was mixed up, I would be worried about health issues (I eliminated any cancer in Donor's family because cancer runs in my family), but at the same time, there are such strict "regulations" and Donors are not "accepted" if they have any of a long list of illnesses.  So, I  would have to rest assure that the Donor probably has a somewhat clean bill of health and hope that there was no cancer in his family. 

I was terrified the entire time I was pregnant (and even trying to get pregnant) that the sperm would get mixed up.  Terrified!  Why?  I have no idea!  But after a traumatic labor and delivery, Sidekick looked very much like an African American baby when I finally pushed him out... even my mom and best friend who were in the delivery room thought so.  I guess I was exhausted after 23 1/2 hours of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing and feeling confused because I was looking for a pretty pink baby... which Sidekick was not even close to being!  He quickly turned to a more healthy color (less blue/purple), and I could see that he was in fact a white baby.  But, for a brief moment I wondered did the sperm get mixed up?

If I received a letter in the mail today or two years from now that the sperm got mixed up, would I care?  Honestly, probably not.  And who I am to say that the sperm didn't get mixed up?!  I have no way of knowing because I have a child that is 100% white.  Maybe the Donor I chose, is not really the Donor I got. The truth of the matter is, I don't really care because I got the baby I am mean to have.

Do I fault the couple for suing the sperm bank?  No. Would I sue?  Probably not.  I have a healthy, happy baby, and I wouldn't have Sidekick if I didn't get the sperm that made him.  I'd have an entirely different baby.  They have a bit of a unique situation in that they ended up with a 50% African American baby, so that puts a different twist on the story, BUT again, there are no guarantees that any of us got the sperm we think we ordered.  We just have to trust.

It's a messy situation, and I feel badly that they didn't get the sperm they thought they were getting.  I don't doubt that they love their beautiful daughter any less.  I do wonder how money really changes what happened.  But, who I am to judge?  Who are any of us to judge? 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Male Role Model for Sidekick

I worry all the time about being a SMC, but more importantly, I really worry about raising a boy as a SMC since I cannot possibly relate to "boy issues".  I do great in the sports area of his life because I'm athletic, but I worry if I will be enough for him as he grows up and if I, alone, can give him everything he needs to be a well rounded man. 
 
I've written before about our amazing neighbors, D and E, who have an eight year old boy, T.  Our families immediately bonded shortly after we moved to our new home.  We all spend time outside together whenever possible, and Sidekick worships T (eight year old boy).  E (mom) and I have also formed a very close relationship, and we have this unique bond I've never had with someone. D (dad) and I get along so well and he has become a great friend.  But most importantly, D has this incredible love for Sidekick.  It's almost as if Sidekick is his own son. I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone can truly embrace my son and care about him so much in just a couple of months. They love each other like a father and son would.  It melts my heart and makes me so happy to see them together. 

Last night T had a baseball game, so Sidekick and I went to cheer him on.  I had to work all day, which made me cranky because if I'm going to pay a babysitter on a Saturday, it SHOULD be because I am doing something fun! I was exhausted, but I told T we were going to his game, and I didn't want to disappoint him.  While Sidekick didn't really understand what was going on, he enjoyed being part of the action and cheering on his best friend, T. 

At one point, Sidekick went over to D, and I looked over and found them like this:

 
To most people, this image would mean absolutely nothing, but to me, it means the world!  I wanted to cry watching this because while it made me so happy, it made me sad at the same time.  Strange, right?  It tugged at my heart strings in a way I hadn't expected.  It was a moment when I was reminded after living in my "nuclear family bubble" for a brief moment, that this is something Sidekick doesn't really have, and who knows if he ever will. It makes me go back to a question that surfaces in the front of my head from time to time:  Did I do the wrong thing wanting to be a SMC?  Is it fair to Sidekick?
 
I count my blessings that D, E, and T are in our lives. I consider them my best friends and my family.  I am especially grateful that D has stepped up to be that male role model that Sidekick's life is lacking. We never know where life is going to take us, but I certainly never imagined that after we moved to our new home, we would have such amazing people in our lives in such a short period of time.  That truly just does not seem possible. Both Sidekick and I were missing "something" in our lives, and this family has filled that void for both of us. We are fortunate to not only have them as friends, but to have them as our neighbors so we can see them all the time and continue this great relationship the five of us have.  The universe works in mysterious ways, and right now, I like the way it's working!  We are truly blessed to have them in our lives.  They mean the world to us!


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Soccer (and lack of an apology)

I haven't  ever done any scheduled activities with Sidekick, and I felt the need to do something "special" with him each week.  Since he has this love and talent for kicking a soccer ball, I signed him up for a parent/tot class.  He's had so much fun, and I love seeing him listening to his coach, following directions, and interacting with other kids.  Those are things that I've never been able to observe, and it's nice to see how well behaved he is, so I'm hoping he is the same way at school.  This was literally his first day before "class" officially started.  Ever since his first day, he can't wait to put on his jersey every Wednesday. 

video
 
And this one is of the kids having to chase hula-hoops down the field. Apparently kids this young don't understand the concept of following/chasing a ball (hula hoop).  Sidekick is the one with the really loud scream, but who cares!  He loved it! (Of course I have zero space on my shitty phone despite the fact there is NOTHING on it anymore, so it cut off at the best part.)
 
video

While he looks cute and obedient in those videos, he sure has been pushing my buttons lately!  Just this morning while driving him to school, he was whining and getting angry because I couldn't help him put this magnet together.  When I finally lost my patience, I raised my voice, told him to stop, and asked him to apologize for his bad behavior, he immediately replied with, "*Sidekick* not sorry."  WHAT???!!!  Normally he apologizes on his own before I even have to tell him he did something wrong, but this time  for whatever reason, he wasn't sorry.  Wow!  I had no idea how to even respond to that and was shocked that he even had a thought process like that.  So, I continue on with trying to figure out how to deal with a toddler, and it seems to change daily!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Things I Think about when I have Insomia (Part 2)

I wrote about this a while ago, and since my insomnia is unbearable yet again, I thought I'd share the crazy things that run through my head when I stare at nothingness in the dark for hours on end.  No wonder I can't sleep!

  1. What is the name of that customer I worked with three years ago who called me out of the blue a few months ago?  (Still can't figure this out!)
  2. I hate when I close my eyes to try to go to sleep, and I feel my eyeballs rolling back into my head.
  3. When am I going to find time to get a new iPhone?  My current one sucks!
  4. I really need some new work clothes.
  5. I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired.
  6. Why can't Sidekick be less messy when he pees on the potty?  So yucky!
  7. When will I get my act together and start making good meals for Sidekick and me again?
  8. Why am I too wrapped up in saving money and planning for the future instead of enjoying the present?
  9. What the hell am I going to do all winter long when we are trapped inside?  (We play outside every single day right now!)
  10. Why the hell can't I sleep?
  11. What am I going to hang on the walls upstairs in the hallway?
  12. Why can't I find a cool picture to hang in my bathroom?
  13. Will I actually get a Christmas tree this year?
  14. Why is Halloween so generic when it comes to kids' costumes?
  15. What is a realistic sales goal for work?
  16. I can't believe my neighbor from where we used to lived didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 26 weeks along!  (And delivered at 28 weeks.)  It was an oops! baby.
  17. Will I ever find time and have the energy to start running again?
  18. I really want a grill. I feel like I'll eat healthier if I have one.
  19. I pay association fees, so when will the bushes in my neighborhood be trimmed again?
  20. Why doesn't my neighbor bring her dog inside when it barks for a long time?  It's really pretty annoying.
  21. How can my neighbor behind me in a different subdivision let the grass get so long in his/her back yard?  I'm talking up to my knees!  Have some respect for your home (and your fellow neighbors)!
  22. Will I ever date again?
  23. Why am I more exhausted now that I have a toddler than I was when I had a newborn?
  24. Will I used the annual membership to the children's museum enough times to make the purchase worth it?
  25. Why can't I f'n sleep?????!!!!
Those were a lot of the things that floated through my head last night, but I know there were more!  I am one that just can't seem to shut down my brain no matter how tired I am. 

Monday, September 8, 2014

Vacation and Dog Bites

We spent last week in Lake Geneva, WI visiting my mom.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect. Sidekick has always said that Grandma lives at the beach, but until we read books about the beach, I'm not sure he understood what that means.  As soon as he saw the beach near Grandma's house he got so excited.  It's like a light bulb went on in his head. Our first day there, we went to the beach, and this kid was so incredibly happy! One would think that he's been going to the beach since the day he was born.  He has no fear whatsoever and he just embraced every new adventure.



 
           
                    

 
After his nap that afternoon, we went outside so Sidekick could sweep the acorns on Grandma's driveway (is every kid obsessed with sweeping like mine???).  A family with a three year old and two terrier-like dogs were out for a walk.  We've met them before, so we all started talking.  After about ten minutes, Sidekick, who adores dogs, walked towards the dogs slowly. Both dogs were on leashes.  Dog #1 grabbed Sidekick by the shirt and started attacking him.  Dog #2 apparently felt left out, so he started attacking Dog #1, and Sidekick was literally caught in the middle.  I immediately ran to get Sidekick, the dad picked up his daughter, and the mom was panicking while trying to separate the two dogs that were fighting.  Talk about an adrenaline rush!  It was the scariest thing ever!  Sidekick was screaming, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was hurt, scared, or both. I looked him over and found a massive scratch down his stomach and four puncture holes on his shoulder. 
 
I didn't want Sidekick to be afraid of dogs after this incident, so after he calmed down, he did pet the dog (that was being held very tightly) that attacked him.  He's such a brave boy.  We went inside so I could look him over again and clean him up.  When my mom got home shortly after this incident, I walked down to the neighbor's house to make sure they were up to date with their shots, which they were.  The mom started sobbing as soon as she saw me.  I gave her a big hug and reassured her that Sidekick was okay, but she kept saying she couldn't imagine if that had happened to her daughter.  I told her that I was very relieved that nothing more had happened to Sidekick, and that we should all be grateful.  Later that night, I couldn't get that image of two dogs attacking my sweet boy. 
 
The next day, the family came down and brought Sidekick a dog stuffed animal.  As soon as she saw  me, she started crying again. I think they felt better seeing that Sidekick was just fine, and we never made an issue of it again to him, so I'm hoping he's forgotten about it.  This whole incident gets me thinking... I have a golden retriever, and I wonder what I would do if she attacked Sidekick or someone else. Would I assume it was a fluke or would I take drastic measures and put her to sleep?  Even though I am a total dog lover, Dog is almost 12 years old, but part of me thinks that I would never trust her again, and for my peace of mind, I think I'd have to put her to sleep.  I would be devastated for so many reasons just like this family is, but humans take priority in my life, and I'm not sure I'd ever want Dog around Sidekick again especially since he likes to lay on her, hug her, play rough with her, etc. I wonder if this family is thinking the same thing as I. 

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Open the Floodgates and Let the Universe do it's Job

I'm typically a person who doesn't let others see me cry.  I'm typically a person who is not open with her feelings.  I'm typically a person who keeps things bottled up instead of talk about them. Today was not the case!  My friend had gotten me a gift certificate for a reading followed by some self growth discussion.  I had no idea what to expect, but I went in with an open mind.  I had to fill out a brief sheet with information and the last question was focusing on things that I would like to work on for self growth (or something like that).  I sat there for a few minutes thinking, and thinking, and thinking and came up with two things:

1.  Be open to love in order to find a great man
2.  Be happy and at peace with the present

Hell if I knew what I wanted to accomplish! I had no idea what this hour would look like!

Anyway, she immediately asked about point number one which took me back 12 years to the man I thought I was going to marry. The man for whom I moved to a different state. The man that I loved with all my heart.  About two minutes in, I started crying!  Me!  Wth?!?  I don't know if I am still so sad about that OR if I'm just plain sad about something in my life (point number 2).  We talked about my fear of being vulnerable, and she assured me that while vulnerability has the connotation of being weak, it's actually a "symbol" of strength.  Interesting.

I recently wrote about feeling lonely in an entry title Loneliness (click "Loneliness" to read more) and I guess that still plagues me from time to time.  As much as I want a wonderful, loving man in my life, I have to let go of my independence and be open to the possibility.  The thought of letting go of control of mine and Sidekick's routine seems odd to me if we let someone else in.  What if "he" doesn't do Sidekick's bedtime routine perfectly?  (Does that really f'n matter?) What if I can't handle someone else in my life taking up "space" in our lives?  I've been "alone" for so long that I don't even know if I'm capable of being with someone.  But the bottom line is that I miss companionship, and apparently that makes me sad... or that guy who broke my heart makes me sad... I'm not sure. 

We talked about how I need to do things that make me happy.  I used to play on volleyball leagues. I used to run half marathons. I used to read books for hours on end. I used to just drive somewhere to go for a hike.  I don't do any of that anymore, not necessarily because I'm busy with Sidekick, but because all of that requires a babysitter, and I'm not "willing" to pay that money when in my stupid head, that money is better used towards Sidekick's college fund or my retirement fund, apparently in lieu of my current happiness.  I realize that I need to do something that makes me happy.  She told me I need to love myself and not just love my son to death.  Do I not love myself?  What exactly does that mean? What does make me happy?  Hmmmm... those are interesting questions. 

The reading was maybe a bit BS, but maybe not. She said that I am a very sensitive person and that I can easily connect on personal levels with certain people.  She said that when I make the "right" decision about things in my life, the clouds seem to part and the sun shines through.  She said I make the right decisions the majority of the time and that I just know what to do when.  She talked about a man that she sees for me, and that when I meet him, Sidekick is with me.  She said he is funny and that he is drawn to Sidekick because he is open to life and love, and because of him, this guy and I will connect... eventually.  She said Sidekick is my teacher in life (which I don't doubt).

When she focused on Sidekick, she immediately laughed.  She said he is such a happy boy, very outgoing, and very social.  He loves adults and kids of all ages.  She said he and I will always be close and that right now, he is very happy with his life and isn't missing anything.  Nothing makes a Momma happier than to hear this, BS or not!

I realize that while Sidekick is my number one priority and he's pretty much my life, he shouldn't be the "only" thing in my life. I somehow need to find a life outside of him before I get swallowed up in this stagnant water in which I'm swimming.  It was a thought provoking hour, and while she was pushing (encouraging me) for another meeting, I'm not sure if I'm up for that, but moving forward I will be open to the possibility of love, enable myself to be (maybe a little) vulnerable, and let go of my need to control everything in my life.  Those are difficult things for me to do, but I'm willing to give it a shot!  Apparently, the universe has more control of my life than I've given it credit for.