I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand

I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand
I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand

Monday, July 28, 2014

Things that Sidekick Does that Make me Smile

After my last couple of "blah" posts and being in a funk the past week or so, I decided that I needed to remember things about Sidekick that make me happy, make me laugh, or just put a smile on my face.  Sidekick has amazing vocabulary, but now he is stringing words together which is getting so fun (and at times, very entertaining). 

  • I love that "Momma" gets put into so much of what he says now:  "Momma sit", "Momma eat", "Momma no"
  • I love when he says, "Momma hand" and reaches for mine to take me on an adventure with him, even if it's just to his room. 
  • I love that it takes him a while to pick out the two books he wants to read before bedtime.  He will grab two, and then sometimes he changes his mind, and will switch out one or both books. 
  • I love that we sing "Rock a Bye Baby" several times every night before bedtime (what a horrible song by the way), and each time he puts someone or something "in the treetop" besides baby.
  • We've been in our new home for one month, and every time I pick him up from school, he comes running towards me yelling, "New home!".  Every morning when we pull out of the garage he says, "Bye bye new home. Love you."
  • The other night after reading books before bedtime and sitting in the rocking chair, Sidekick put his head on my shoulder, started patting my back, and kept saying, "Patting Momma". 
  • I decided to watch "Finding Nemo" with him and spread it out over several days.  The day we watched Nemo go down the drain in the dentist's office, Sidekick started screaming "Oh no!" and crying.  How was he able to process that "that" might be a bad, scary thing?
  • We had a lot of rain a while ago, so the field in which we play has a lot of mushrooms.  Sidekick is terrified of them!  He says, "Ewwww, yucky!" and won't even walk around them.  In fact, most things that don't look "right" to him, he says, "Ewww, yucky!"
  • He has always been a kid who thrives on routine. When I tell him it's bath time, he goes into his bathroom, opens up the cabinet, gets a wash cloth and the color tablets that change the color of the water, and brings it all to me.
  • He loves the magnetic letters on the refrigerator.  I can sit on my sofa and ask him to bring me a specific letter, and he will bring me each one until every letter is gone.  (This game can go on a long time which is a really good thing when I need to kill time.)
  • When I ask him if Momma loves him, he replies in a high pitched, silly voice, "Nooooo."
  • He insists on Dog being upstairs with us when we read books before bed time.  He will yell for her and then tell her "down" when she arrives.  Before he goes to sleep, he gives her a big hug and tells her he loves her. 
  • When he plays Peekaboo... after he covers my eyes or his eyes, he says, "Ah-boo!"  (Not sure where the "peek" is.)
  • He is a very polite boy and uses please and thank you all the time.  He's also using "Love you" a lot regardless of him referring to an actual person or an inanimate object (new home, basketball, car, etc.).  The other day after checking out at Autozone, he said, "Thank you, nice man.  Love you."  (I think I need to start teaching him the appropriate times to use "Love you".) 
So... in the midst of my funk, I'm glad that I can find joy in this little guy who seriously brings me so much happiness during mundane every day ins and outs of life.

Sunday, July 20, 2014


I never thought that Sidekick would completely fill an empty space in my heart/life, but I did think that he would fill it a little... which he definitely did.  I have found that because he is a toddler and requires less "attention", I'm noticing that I am feeling a bit lonely lately.  He is an independent kid and will explore on his own while we are out and about, as long as I'm not out of his sight.  He needs me less which gives me time to think and people watch while we are out. 

We do all sorts of things on our own, but when I see "families" out and about on weekends doing fun things also, I kind of get a little jealous, and then a loneliness settles in.  I'm not sure I can actually explain it, but at the end of the day, sometimes I'm just plain lonely.  Months ago, at the end of day, I used to just love my solitude when Sidekick was asleep for the night. I was happy sitting in front of my TV catching up on shows.   

This loneliness comes in waves.  It definitely was gone during the craziness of moving and getting settled.  Now that we've been here for a few weeks and boxes have been unpacked since our first week here, I'm feeling lonely yet again. The hype and excite of the move came to a crashing halt.  I'm think I am officially looking for companionship, and I've never felt that yearning since Sidekick was born.  I tried online dating a while back and it sucked, but I've rejoined the online dating world again, and guess what?  It still sucks! I'm finding that while Sidekick makes me happy, I need something else to make me happy besides him. I've never relied on man in the past, and I'm not looking to rely on one now, but it would be nice to sit on the sofa or outside on my deck and drink a glass of wine while having a nice conversation.  I can only have so many deep conversations with a two year old before I realize that I need an adult.  Haha! 

I think I am just in a funk, and I'm not sure my friends would understand (they don't understand what it's like being a SMC even though they think they do), so I choose not to express my feelings about this to them. So once again I throw it out the blogging world in hopes that just "talking" about it will snap me out of this.  I hate this feeling.  I'm afraid that if I am not quite happy in my life, I might not be a good mom to my awesome son, and that's not fair to him.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Passing of Sidekick's Grandpa

I've mentioned before that my stepdad was diagnosed with throat cancer about six weeks before Sidekick was born. Less than two weeks before he was born, my stepdad has his voice box removed. For two years, this wonderful man had to either write or type on his iPad when he wanted to "talk".  It changed his life forever and everyone around him had to rally around him and support him through this change. It was sad to never hear his deep, calm, loving voice again.  He fought his cancer harder than I could have ever done.  He switched between radiation and chemo for about 18 months and went through every treatment like a champ. I would have thrown in the towel months prior, but he kept going. 

He spiraled quickly right before the 4th of July weekend.  Last Thursday, he didn't have very long to live, so at the last minute, I packed our stuff, picked up Sidekick from school, and drove the five hours to say goodbye. When we had gotten to the house, Sidekick and I went into his room.  On the drive up, I had explained that Grandpa was sleeping. As soon as Sidekick saw him, he said, "Grandpa sleeping.  Hi, Grandpa."  My stepdad adored Sidekick so much, and I loved seeing my sweet boy so amazing towards this man just lying there, basically unconscious. Did he know we were there?

The house was full of people:  my sister, my mom's best friend and her daughter, my stepdad's son and his wife, and us.  At times, I'd be with my stepdad alone (or with Sidekick) while other times other people would be with him or we'd all be together.  In such a time of sorrow, we still found time to laugh and made sure that he heard us laughing.  There were times that we had to tell him that it was okay for him to "go" and that we were all okay and all together.  Sidekick told him his loved him and would just quietly sit in my arms while we stood around my stepdad.

This was taken when Sidekick was six weeks old, and we drove five hours to meet my stepdad. 
(I found this picture frame on his dresser.) 

At 5:36 the next morning, my stepdad passed away.  As soon as Sidekick woke up, he said, "Grandpa."  I took him to see Grandpa, and at that point, he was the "same" in Sidekick's eyes as he had been the night prior, so we didn't say much to him.  When his body was finally taken away many hours later, Sidekick went to his room at one point and saw the empty hospital bed.  He said, "Grandpa" in a questioning way. I asked the hospice nurse what I am supposed to tell him, and she said to tell him whatever I believe (but NOT to tell him his was sleeping... which I knew that I would have to change my "story" once he did pass away).  So it quickly made me really think... what do I believe in? 

I read the book Heaven is for Real a few months ago.  Heaven seems like such a wonderful place, and I'd like to believe that it is real.  I'm not a religious person, so I can't fall back on that.  So... what did I tell my two year old?  I told him that Grandpa went bye-bye.  I told him that Grandpa is an angel in heaven which is in the sky. I told him that Grandpa will be watching over us and help us be happy and healthy.  The end.  I hope that is true because I find comfort in thinking that what I told my son might actually be true.

Yesterday we were outside on the deck eating lunch, and out of the blue, Sidekick looked up at the beautiful blue sky, pointed, and said, "Hi, Grandpa!" I just looked at him in such disbelief.  Does he truly understand?  While Sidekick will never remember his Grandpa, he has his Grandpa's first name as his middle name, and I will always tell him how much his Grandpa loved him, and how much he supported me as a SMC.  He was an incredible man, and while I hate the phrase, "He is in a better place" and will never use it, I know that he is no longer suffering, wherever he may be.   

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sidekick!

I can't believe that my little Sidekick is TWO!  Where has the time gone?  The other day on the news, the weather person mentioned that two years ago that day, was the first day of setting a record for the most consecutive triple digits temperature days.  She didn't have to remind me!  I was nine months pregnant and walking my dog at 11:00 PM when it was still in the 90's. I was doing anything to get this baby out of me regardless of how hot it was.

My due date was July 15th, and I was scheduled for induction on the 17th (which I didn't want) because Sidekick was measuring on the big side.  On July 7th, while filling up Dog's water bowl, a trickle ran down my leg.  I was pretty sure I hadn't peed in my pants, yet I was baffled because that didn't seem like enough to be considered my water.  I had plans that night to get a manicure and pedicure and go to dinner as my last hoorah before this little guy arrived.  By about 1:30, I called the doctor to see if maybe it was my water, and he said to go get checked.  With my plans in place for the evening, I had to get this wrapped up quickly.  I grabbed my suitcase and drove myself to the hospital.  I went in and was 2 cm (I was one cm the day before at my weekly appointment).  The doctor couldn't tell if that was my water leaking, so she told me to hang around and walk the halls for an hour.  I called my friend and mom to let them know what was going on, and while talking to my friend, a huge gush occurred. Yep, I was officially in labor and I was staying. 

My stepdad had just had his voice box removed about ten days prior because of cancer, and since he was in an assisted living facility for a couple of more days, my mom hopped on a plane and arrived at about 8:00 while my best friend got her family settled and came at 6:30 with blue nail polish in hand t do my pedicure. I was hooked up to the monitor and was having strong contractions that I wasn't feeling at all, which baffled all the nurses.  I finally started pushing at 5:30 AM the next day, and Sidekick finally arrived at 8:48 AM... just shy of 24 hours after my water started leaking.  I was in love (and starving and exhausted) the minute I saw him.  I was so afraid I wouldn't have that connection with him right away, but as soon as he was put in my arms, my entire life changed and I felt love for someone that I have never felt before.

Fast forward two years, and this little guy is better than I could have ever imagined!  He is smart, funny, sweet, and brings me such joy.  I honestly don't have much complaining to do about him because he is better than I could have ever imagined.  He has filled a place in my heart that was empty for so long. 

I decided before his first birthday, that we would release a balloon every year on his birthday in honor of his donor.  Right now it obviously means nothing to him, but to me, it is a way to thank someone who helped me fulfill my dreams. Even though he doesn't understand, I explained to him that we are going to honor his Donor (to which he said "For Donor") and he gracefully let it fly into the sky. I also made a treasure box for him last year.  In it will be a letter written to him every year until I decide to give the box to him.  In each envelope is money for the number of years old he is.  By the time he opens it, there will be a lot of cash for him!  I'm already wondering what I wrote to him last year, but it's something I have looked forward to doing this year as I capture the year in review.

On a sad note, my stepdad who had is voice box removed due to cancer shortly before Sidekick was born is on hospice and only has a couple of days to live. At the last minute, I gave Sidekick my stepdad's first name as his middle name to honor his grandpa. It's sad to think that Sidekick will probably never remember him, but I will always remember to tell Sidekick how much is grandpa loved him and fought two years until his body could not fight any longer.   

Tonight I threw an impromptu party for Sidekick.  The people who love him so much and I consider our family came for cupcakes and ice cream.  As soon as we started singing to him, he wrapped his little arm around me while I was kneeling next to him.  My heart just melted and I even shed a little tear.  My boy is just so sweet and for the first time ever, I felt like he knows we are really a team. 

I am such a lucky woman to call him my son.  Cheers to an incredible two years!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Tears and Reminiscing

Sidekick will be two years old in just two short days.  Where has the time gone?  After I put him to sleep tonight, I went in the trunk where I have of his baby stuff and read through all of the cards I have received since the baby shower.  We were, and always have been, surrounded by such love and support. I've always been amazed at how much people have embraced my little family.

I loved being pregnant and I loved having a newborn.  (I know, many people think I'm crazy.)  I felt so important and special when I was pregnant-- I mean, seriously! I was growing a human being inside me for goodness sakes!  What could be more important than that??? I loved the newness of a newborn and learning about who this little creature that grew inside me for 39 weeks is.  He was full of wonder from the day he was born. He amazed me by his calmness and the way he just looked deep into my soul like he knew something about me that no one knows. 

As I've written before, because of finances, Sidekick will be my only child.  As we are fast approaching the big T-W-O, I am so sad that I will never experience all of that amazing stuff ever again.  Ever!  I want another baby.

So while I gear up to celebrate Sidekick's second birthday, I hope that I can celebrate this amazing little guy, and not dwell on the fact that it's going too fast and I'll never get it back.  It makes me really sad. Ugh! Does anyone else feel that way?  Will it ever go away?

On a side note, Sidekick went to his first parade and had so much fun (and he also got to eat a lollipop for the first time). You'd think he had just discovered gold.  I love this kid!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Welcome Home!

We have been in our new home for one week.  What I thought would be about a four hour move turned into a 6 1/2 hour move.  I guess living on the third floor of my condo slowed the movers down because of the stairs.  What's crazy is that I had already moved all of the closets, kitchen, and most of Sidekick's toys, and it still took that long!  Once the movers got everything loaded on the truck, it was smooth sailing at the new home. 

From our first night here, Sidekick has acted like we've been in this new home his whole life. When I woke him up after our first night here, he looked at me and said in his sleepy, quiet voice, "New home."  When I pick him up from school, he immediately runs to me and says, "New home."  His teachers told me that he always talks about his "new home".  He loves this place and has adjusted perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better transition.

We went to the "old home" as Sidekick calls it a couple of days ago to pick up something I had shipped to my friend since I wasn't sure where to ship it based on the timing of the move.  Sidekick immediately went up the stairs, knocked on my friend's door, and when it was time to leave, he said "New home" and walked back down the stairs instead of go to our condo.  It's amazing how much this little guy understands. 

We are pretty much unpacked with the exception of boxes of crap that I'd rather throw away than keep.  I've just been procrastinating with unpacking because nothing really has a home.  It's just odds and ends of crap!  We have so much additional space in this new place, and I can't quite figure out where all of this crap was in my 1000 square foot condo, but we have somehow filled up our new home (1700 square feet, a two car garage and a basement). I love all of the space!

Sidekick's birthday is in a few days, and I can't believe he is going to be two!  Although, in his head he's been two for a few months because that's what he's been telling people.  We aren't doing anything special.  I'll pick up a cupcake for him and will put a two candles on it, and I got him a small present.  While he is starting to understand what a birthday party is, he isn't going to have one.  I'll bring cupcakes to school, so he can have a little celebration there and one with me at home. I just don't feel like he needs to have a big fan fair at two years old. Last year I started a tradition with him that I'll carry through every year.  I'll post that and pics next week.  I'm sure I'll reminisce all about his crazy delivery, his awesome two years of life, and how amazing and perfect he is. I am the luckiest Momma in the world. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Moving (a MUCH Better Posting that the Last One)

Well, despite the craziness about the appraisal on our new home coming in $19,000 less than the contract price and a ton of tears, things worked out for our new home!  For 36 hours, I was faced with the possibility of being homeless.  I was frantically looking for a good, nice, safe apartment to rent while realizing that I was "choosing" to leave a wonderful home for a shitty, small apartment!  I felt like I was going backwards in my life.  I realized that there was not enough room for all of my stuff in an apartment, so in addition to paying more money to rent a place, I realized I'd need a storage unit for all of the stuff that wouldn't fit.  In the end, the buyer came down a lot, and I came up a little to help fill the $19,000 gap between the contracted price and the appraisal price.  I realized that I would be financially ahead of the game by coming up with a little more money to get the home compared to renting an apartment, storing stuff, breaking a lease to move to a new place, paying for two moves, etc... not to mention the headaches and sadness that I would endure as a result of all of this. Life sucked for 36 hours until all of this was figured out. 

So... as of last Friday, I am now a new homeowner!  Woo hoo!  I spent most of the weekend moving the kitchen over and unpacking it, moving all of the closets over, and moving Sidekick's toys over. Meanwhile, the painter has been moving along nicely and has painted the bathrooms, three bedrooms, laundry room, upstairs hall, and going down the stairs.  The movers come on Wednesday, and that should be easy since most of the stuff is already there.  I close on my condo this Friday.  It sure was nice to close on the new place one week before closing on the current place so that I could get us pretty well settled for our first night in our new home.
Sidekick loves the new home!  He walked in the first time like he owned the place!  He ran back and forth between my bedroom and his, yelled whose room it was, and then did a somersault.  He was so funny.  He often talks about our new home when we are not there.  In fact, this morning when I got him up, the first thing out of his mouth was, "New home, Momma."  He loves the basement and I don't care that there are toys all over the place right now. (I couldn't stand when he toys were out in our cramped condo.)

I have worked very hard to buy this new home.  Our new home is very much a move in ready place with amazing upgrades.  I need to finish the basement, since the living area isn't that big, but other than that, it is perfect.  I will very much miss my neighbors who love us so much. The neighbor across from me is one of my best friends, and we spend so much time together.  She loves Sidekick so much, and he adores her.  It's sad to not be literally five feet away from her.  We hung out all of the time, so there will be times when I feel very lonely. But... there is no looking back now.  I've got one more night to rock Sidekick to sleep in the home where almost two years of his life were spent.  I know he'll never remember it.  I really hope the buyer loves my place and the great neighbors as much as I did, and I hope that I am lucky enough to find great friends and neighbors in our new home.  I'm scared but a little excited for our new adventure together!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Getting Screwed when Buying/Selling a Home!

Pardon my vulgar language, but I am so f***ed right now!!!!  I am supposed to close on my new home this Friday and my condo next Friday.  For whatever BS, f'ing reason, the appraisal on my new home took seven days longer than it should have.  Today we finally got the appraisal back-- THREE DAYS BEFORE CLOSING and it came back $19,000 less than the contracted price.  I sobbed when I heard this!  I can only get the loan for the appraised value.  It doesn't appear as if the seller wants to drop the price, and I don't want to nor will I bring extra money to close the gap . That would be a stupid decision. 

The seller's dumbass agent said that she would probably just put it back on the market. My smart agent told her that she'll run into the same problem if/when the next buyer comes along.  It will NOT appraise for more next time around.  Seller is already taking a hit, and I feel badly about that.  Shit, I took a hit on my condo also.  So... I am currently homeless if we can't resolve this huge issue.  It's a horrible feeling.  It's a scary feeling. This is a time I wish I was married, so that I didn't have to be solely responsible for this crap.  I just want to throw up.  This is my worst nightmare. I am now trying to find an apartment that is not more expensive than my mortgage, that has enough room for all of my furniture, Dog, Sidekick, and is in a good area near daycare. 

When I was getting nervous about negotiations for this place because we finally had a contract on my condo, my mom said that having a baby is the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life.  I beg to differ!  I'd rather have three more babies on my own instead of going through this mess.  This sucks so badly. 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Father's Day and Donor Insemination

On the heels of Father's Day, I giggle at the project Sidekick made for me at school yesterday.  The one that was framed did not have him holding the sign, but I think it's ironic that he moved in the picture so that the sign is blurred:

I find myself viewing Father's Day differently this year.  Last year, I was kind of sad and felt badly that there will not be a Daddy in Sidekick's near future (I'm still holding out hope that I will someday meet a great guy!).  This year, I find myself so grateful for Sidekick's donor.  I cannot imagine my life without Sidekick, and I am so blessed every day.  Donor #1 ran out of vials during my eight IUIs and I was devastated, so I had to switch to Donor #2.  I always think back that Donor #2 was meant to be my son's donor. If I had gotten pregnant with Donor #1, what would Sidekick look like?  Would he be as funny and smart as he is?  Would he have a love (and quite frankly obsession) of books?  Would he love every dog in our neighborhood and know them by their names?  Would he be as good of a sleeper?  Would he be a bottomless pit and eat everything in sight?

Pregnancy has always amazed me.  Even after going through it, I am still amazed and the miracle of it all.  What I find so awesome is that women like us (SMC) can have a child without a man.  We get to choose the Donor, looking for certain physical traits, a type of personality that can be deciphered on paper, something that just seems to be "right" to us. How awesome is it that modern science has allowed us to use this route to fulfill our dreams?

I have posted this in a previous entry, but I thought it appropriate to post it again:

Sidekick's Donor is anonymous, and I am totally okay with that. I have no desire to ever meet or have contact with Sidekick's siblings. If Sidekick chooses to do that, then that is his right and decision.  In the meantime, I am just so grateful for Sidekick's Donor and that "he" has helped me have the most amazing little boy.  He is better and more incredible than I had ever imagined he would be. So on the eve of Father's Day, I have Donor in my thoughts and thank him every day.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Potty Training

It seems crazy to think about potty training Sidekick when he will be two years old next month, but for the past three weeks, he was woken up dry after 12+ hours.  The kid has a better bladder than I do!  When he wakes up, he sits on the potty and pees so incredibly much.  I have no idea how he held it all in for so long.  I'm not actively potty training him, but school puts him on the potty after they change his diaper, which seems a little counterintuitive to me. Anyway, when he wakes up dry from nap or bedtime, he'll sit on the potty and pee.  Sometimes he'll sit on it before bath.  He always tells me right after he has peed and pooped in his diaper, so he's aware of everything. That's the extent of our potty training.  But... maybe it's time to do more???

I've heard to stay away from pull-ups because they are essentially diapers in his mind and serve no logical reason to use them. I've heard a lot of success stories (nephews, friends) that Bare Bottom Weekend worked great for their kids.  Yes, we'd be trapped in our home all weekend, but once the weekend is over, he's potty trained!  That sounds awesome! 

I don't know when the "right" time is.  Surely it's not now since we are moving in three short weeks, and I am uprooting this little guy from his home and all of the neighbors who love him, but how soon after the move do I really start pushing the potty so that we can do Bare Bottom Weekend? 

Thoughts?  Suggestions?