Sunday, May 1, 2016

How to Run Your First Race When You are 3 1/2 Years Old

How to Run your First One Mile Race (which happens to be in the rain) When You are 3 1/2 Years Old in 12 Easy Steps
1. Be super excited at the starting line
2. Take off running with the big kids.

3. Stop about .2 of mile in and insist that your mom take off both shoes to get (imaginary) rocks out of them.
4. Hydrate using the falling rain.

5. Take a little walk and then haul ass again.

6. Decide to pick up a branch along the way and sweep the trail.
7. 1/2 mile in, request your super hero cape to be put back on for fast running powers.

8. Stop to play in a puddle with branch.

9. Whine a bit and completely stop.
10. Approach the finish line with Momma's coaxing while still sweeping the trail with branch.
11. See Batman approach you as you are close to the finish line, drop the branch, and zig zag to the finish line to avoid him because you are scared.
12. Collect your Finishers Ribbon and say "Dat was really far."

His run may have been more painful for me than my 5k, but I'm so proud of this little dude.

 I've run about seven times since December, so I was totally unprepared for this race.  Plus, I have only pushed Sidekick in the jogger one time in about the past 12 months.  He's hated sitting in the jogger (even a stroller) since he was 2, but I really wanted to do the race, so we practiced last weekend, and I was exhausted trying to get in a groove of pushing him and running. 
My run was amazing!!! It was raining on race day, and the race was on gravel. Gravel and rain don't mix well, and gravel, rain, and a jogger with a 36 pound kid really don't mix well.  Nonetheless, all of that only slowed my normal pace down (and by normal, I mean my last race that I ran which was a half marathon the day before I conceived Sidekick. He'll be four in July, so that was a LOOOOONG time ago!) by about 40 seconds.  I wasn't expecting to do that well at all.  I felt good and was so happy that my body could do it, and I hope to concentrate on running again. I don't really enjoy running and never have, but I like the challenge and the sense of accomplishment in the end.
So, all in all, we both had a successful experience, and I hope we both get out there again for another race!  (Too bad Sidekick is almost too big for the jogger though.)

Friday, April 22, 2016

Little Words= Big Sweetness and a Health Update

I've had one heck of a week (and let's face it, year) juggling work, household chores, errands, trying to find time to run (only happened one time this week), etc. Sidekick was in his bed last night "sleeping" while I was in the laundry room. I heard a sweet voice yell:

"Momma, you can get a rice crispy treat because you are doing a great job doing the laundry. I am really impressed because you are doing so fantastic. Do you know what impressed means? It means you are doing a great job."

I seriously love this kid and appreciate the fact that he appreciates me and all the work I do. Regardless of the crappy week, he just turned it around for me. And he wouldn't give up asking me if I had a rice crispy treat until I finally did. Screw the calories that night. They were worth it!
It's just one of those amazing Mom moments that mean the world to us. It's the little things that make all the difference.

On another note... we are both healthy and back on track.  My little "issue" involved an ER visit (after my OBGYN sent me there) and three appointments with a urologist, primary care, and surgeon the following days. I was in severe pain (pelvis) for two entire weeks.  I barely ate and had to take pain meds (morphine in the ER) to control the pain.  We knew from the scan in the ER that I have several kidney stones, one of which is 7 mm- yikes!  I had an elevated white blood cell count and blood in my urine.  Most people I saw were pretty sure that I had an appendicitis, but tests were inconclusive.  And then 14 days later, I started feeling better.  So... I could have had kidney stone shards that were passing or some funky virus.  Whatever it was sucked so badly, and I was so sick.

I had kidney stones for the first time shortly after Sidekick was born (apparently this is common).  I had to have one removed and three crushed a few weeks later.  I guess I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to do next about them.  I certainly don't want to have them removed because that required a stent that caused me so much pain for five days.  I'm hoping we can crush them.  I can totally live with a bruised back from the electrodes/shocks (or whatever breaks them up).  Unfortunately, right now, I am so swamped with work (my busy season), so I don't have time to deal with those damn kidney stones, but I know I have to. 

Sidekick has a follow-up appointment with the Audiologist next week. I know since his surgery, his hearing is so much better, so I'm pretty sure we'll get the "all clear" with him.  He's been so much better since his surgery and can hear so much better.  Thank goodness!

We've had a pretty rough start to 2016, so I'm hoping we are due for some easy, happy, good times!

During one of my sleep deprived nights of Sidekick not sleeping well after his surgery, I decided to sign us up for a race.  I signed up to run a 5K while pushing him in the Bob, and I signed him up for a one mile run.  What was I thinking on both counts??  I used to run half marathons, but the last one I ran was literally the day before I had my eighth IUI and got pregnant.  I haven't run a race since, and hadn't run in almost five months.  So... we've been training.  He's doing much better than I.  He's a strong little dude, and can easily hike 3 miles, so surely he can walk/run one mile with the other kids, right? There is no way in hell I can run a 5K while pushing him when I can barely run two miles not pushing him.  I am so out of shape, and it's killing me. Sidekick on the other hand has great form and a pretty strong runner.  I can't wait to see if he can finish it.  I am so glad I have an athletic and adventurous kid!  He's perfect for me.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Road Kill Breath

I was told that Sidekick's breath will smell during the healing process, but I had no idea what that meant.  I quickly learned.  It smells like road kill.  I am not kidding.  Sidekick liked to snuggle with me when he wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to vomit every time he came near me.  Seriously... it was the worst smell ever!

He is back to school this week after a long two week hiatus.  I have to say that was not a fun two weeks.  For over a week,  he woke up every four hours and needed his medicine.  Then I fought him to take this nasty tasting medicine which resulted in screaming and crying on his part in the middle of the night. It was awful.  He never, and I mean never, woke up that many times as a newborn! And then like clockwork, he'd climb into my bed between 3:00 and 3:30 AM.  Again, this is something he has never done, but I knew if he was doing it, then he was definitely not feeling well.  I have a king sized bed, and by morning, I'd find Sidekick on my pillow breathing on me with his road kill breath while I was hanging off the edge.  This kid rarely moves in his bed, so I couldn't understand why he wanted to be so close to me when he has never slept with me before.  But holy crap!  I probably would have been more tolerant if he didn't have road kill breath.

At the beginning of week two, we were definitely sick of each other.  I was juggling work and him, but he would just lay in my bed and watch TV, while I was two floors down working.  I'd check on him every 1 1/2 hours or so, and he was totally content.  I hated that he was watching so much TV, but I knew that's what he needed to do to heal. His normal one-show-a-day turned into hours and hours a day.  Very quickly, he began asking for things from the Easter Bunny that he saw on commercials (so that's how that happens!). 

We ended up having a knock down yelling fight one day because I wanted to meet a friend and go running with him in the jogging stroller, and he didn't want to go. I was so angry because I had been taking care of him for a week at that point with no break from him, and I felt like he was being such a little shit by not doing ONE thing for me!  He was feeling better and it was a beautiful day, but he wanted to watch TV instead.  I was frustrated and angry with him, and we both lost our shit. I felt like everything was spiraling out of control.

The next day, Grandma came to save us!  I had to get out to see customers, so she came in town and took care of him Wednesday-Friday while I worked.  Sidekick was so excited to see her and ran to her with a balloon for her and beads around his neck when she was walking out of the terminal to baggage claim.  And at the point, he became a new person.  A person who was happier, excited, and more entertained. A person who was so grateful to have someone in his life besides me.

He was out of school for two weeks total, and we (more so my mom) slowly started getting him back to real life by doing things with him and limiting TV.  He was completely exhausted doing anything, but the slow transition helped him acclimate back to school. 

He's done great in school this week, which I hadn't expected. He's been a little clingy when I drop him off, but overall, he's been a good listener and has behaved well at school.  Phew! I was expecting a rough week.

And then there is me... with a recent trip to the ER and now an appointment with a general surgeon tomorrow.  Good times!  Grandma is still here and will be here until when we figure out what is wrong with me. Hoping for some answers tomorrow, but that'll be another post. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Surgery Complete!

Poor little Sidekick has been on the slow road to recovery.  Surgery went well, and I held up great until they wheeled him away.  Fortunately, he was given a medicine that made him very loopy, so he couldn't really talk well which was pretty entertaining because he was slurring his words. He was totally fine leaving me, but I'll tell you, that 50 minutes was a long time hoping he'd be okay and there wouldn't be any devastating complications like what happened to my friend's son. 

He was so brave the entire time in the hospital.  I'm amazed at how resilient kids are.  They don't know to be afraid; therefore, they aren't. He brought Taggie, Turtle (the dog), and a lot of Tinys (his imaginary friends) with him.  They all went into surgery with him to protect him. 

His tonsils and adenoids were very large, and there was a lot of thick fluid in his ears, so the tubes were definitely necessary. I was warned that some kids have a hard time coming out of anesthesia, and that they can be confused and upset.  I'm glad to know that Sidekick was pretty normal when it came to this.  He was a mess, and I couldn't calm him down. The nurse in recovery was yelling at him telling him to stop crying and to use his inside voice. She said when he stopped yelling, she would give him a slushie.  A couple of things:
  1. My kid just got his tonsils ripped out of his throat.  If I can't help him calm down, then don't F'n yell at him because that's not helping.
  2. My kid doesn't know what a slushie is, so guess what?  That's not going to help him calm down.
  3. Just shut the F up and let me take care of my kid!
We got to his room quickly, and the goal was to get his pain under control.  I was hoping he would get checked out within a few hours, but when the doctor checked him again three hours later to release him, he looked at him and asked how I thought he was doing.  I told him that I didn't think he looked all that great, but that I would expect that.  He said that he looked too pale, and he didn't want to send us home yet. He told Sidekick "lights out" and time to take a nap (something he wanted him to do right away, but Sidekick was just upset and having the TV on helped him calm down).  I turned the lights off, found a white noise App, laid next to him, and he drifted off to sleep quickly.
When he woke up, I begged to new nurse for his pain meds because it was time. She said that he seemed okay and not in a lot of pain.  I explained that the doctor told me to stay on top of giving them to him every four hours for three days to stay on top of the pain.  She seemed resistant to give them to him.  WTF?! I felt like I was fighting with her to give my son what he needed before the meds wore off too much. She finally gave them to him, and his eyes swelled up a little and were red.  I asked her about it, and she noticed it too.  They eventually went back down to normal, and after another slushie, we were released, three hours later than planned. 
As soon as we got home, Sidekick was famished!  He immediately wanted pancakes, so I made him two.  He devoured them and wanted another one.  Despite the fact that I thought he would blow up, I conceded.  As soon as that third one was gone, he asked for a banana with peanut butter and a fourth pancake.  I realized that if he was hungry now, I should take advantage of it because he might not be hungry again for a couple of days when his throat starts hurting him again. 
When it came time to give him his meds again, his eyes turned red again and swelled up within minutes, only this time it was much worse. It was so strange. I called the doctor on call who said it was most likely not a reaction to his pain meds. This doctor has a different protocol than Sidekick's doctor.  Sidekick's doctor prescribe narcotics and the doctor on call doesn't (poor kids!).  He said that if the swelling doesn't go down by the next time he has to take his pain meds, then to just give him Tylenol the rest of the night until morning when I would call his doctor. 
Not satisfied with his answer, I called Sidekick's pediatrician, and thankfully she was on call that night.  She told me to give him Benadryl, which mine expired almost two years ago, at the same time I give him his pain meds, and to spread the pain meds out to six hours instead of four.  When you are a SMC with a kid sleeping at 9:30 PM, you have to rely on your Village, which I rarely do.   I called a friend who went to the store, picked up some Benadryl, and delivered it to me at 10:00 PM.  I felt so blessed.
Within a couple of hours, Sidekick's eyes were back to normal.  What's strange is that no one really knows what exactly happened.  It looks like the surgical tape caused a reaction, but his eyes flared up two times within minutes of getting his pain meds, so something goofy was going on.
That was a really long 15 hours, in writing and reality.  More updates to come as I catch up with my blog. 


Monday, March 14, 2016

Losing It! Confession

This parenting thing is hard. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. In less than three months, Sidekick has been really sick two times, both lasting one week each. He is now really sick again, and once again, I find myself in trouble with balancing him and work since he can't go to school. Work has been harder and more stressful than ever, and I am so overwhelmed.

To add to my plate, Sidekick is having surgery on the 21st. He's been diagnosed with mild hearing loss (hopefully due to fluid in his ears that has been there for months) so he's getting tubes. Easy surgery, right?  Add the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and it's a whole new level of recovery. He'll be home for two, yes two, weeks!  We Bachs don't enjoy being trapped inside laying around, so two weeks is a long time to be stuck at home. If this doesn't push me over the edge, nothing will. 

For the past several months, I've literally been going through the motions. I've been doing what I can to keep it together and keep our little family as stable as possible, trying to keep my son happy and healthy (unfortunately not very successfully), and trying to keep myself sane while juggling everything. I admit it... It's really hard doing it all alone.

I haven't worked out in months because I choose to pick up Sidekick from school at a decent hour instead of go for a run (which is not good for me mentally or physically).  I have no idea when I've done a big grocery store run because I have just enough time to run in and grab what I need to get by.  Three inches of my hair got cut off because I hadn't gotten it cut in four months because I couldn't fit it into my jam packed world. I have had TMJ so badly for several weeks that it keeps me up at night. I need a root canal and crown, but it just doesn't fit into my schedule. For the first time since Sidekick was born, I truly feel stressed and that my life is spinning out of control. 

And now with Sidekick being sick, surgery might be cancelled because he has to be fever free one week before. 

So... Being a Momma is hard, and being single Momma is even harder. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

A Plan for Sidekick

I last posted about Sidekick being sick again, and he had an appointment with the ENT a few days ago. For several months he's been failing hearing tests due to fluid in his ears.  I went to the appointment assuming he'd be getting tubes and walked out learning that he needs his tonsils and adenoid removed and tubes.  I was accepting of the fact that he would be under very light sedation for the tubes, but the tonsillectomy is a different story.  He will have to be put completely under for 45-60 minutes.  Here's where a normally chilled Momma becomes a completely paranoid Momma...

My friend's two year old son had surgery a couple of years ago.  The anesthesiologist messed up and my friend's son passed away. I know it was a fluke, but it happened.  It happened!  All I can think about is her son.  To make matters worse (if that's even possible), my friend's husband is a surgeon.  I mean seriously... wtf?  He operates all the time on people, and his son died.  I'm heartbroken for them.

Needless to say, I'm terrified about letting someone take my son and trusting him to keep him safe.  I told the doctor about what happened to my friend's son, and he look on his face was pure remorse.  He reassured me the anesthesiologists are good, and that he wouldn't stop keeping an eye on Sidekick. You don't think that my friend's husband got the best surgeon and anesthesiologist for his son that is no longer with them?  I can't even think about it because it brings tears to my eyes.

I know this is a very routine procedure (my friend's son's wasn't), but still... bad things happen. I scheduled surgery for March 21st.  I was hoping for the week before for work reasons, but there weren't any appointments available.  Sidekick will be out of school (daycare) for two weeks!!!  Geez!  So, with working with HR to figure out how much time I can take, and my mom coming in town on the tail end, I should be able to make this work.  Fortunately, I work out of my home, so I can do work, but I won't be able to get to customers until my mom is here.  Needless to say, I am taking some days off to take care of my boy, snuggle with him on the sofa, etc. without worrying about my job (that I'm not to happy with right now anyway.  See previous post.).  Yes, I can work from home while he is laying on the sofa watching TV, but I want to be 100% present for him with no distractions.

So... for just under four weeks, I will continue to worry.  I sure hope the next few weeks fly by so that my anxiety will stay at bay and not get the best of me.

For some good news... my carpet is being installed today in my basement!  After two months, it's finally complete, and I can put it together and begin using the space.  I'm so excited!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2016

I Thought I had it All Together

Just a week ago, I posted all the crap that had been going on, and that I thought I had worked through it and gotten my act together.  Nope!  Wishful thinking!  Sidekick spiked a fever Sunday night, which led to him being home from school an entire f'n week?  Why?  Because he had RSV and his fever got up to 104.3 and lasted four days.  Are you kidding me??!!! 

The life of a SMC when you have a sick kid with no family in the same state really sucks.  Really, really sucks.  The good news is, I work out of my home. The bad news is, I had sales presentations and meetings I needed to attend.  I don't have a big Village, primarily because I don't like to rely on people or ask for help.  Plus, who with kids wants to watch a super sick kid??  Uh, no one!  My colleague covered me for my big sales presentation, I turned a meeting into a webinar, and cancelled some other meetings.  His teacher, who works at noon, was going to cover him tomorrow so I can go to a team meeting, and at 6:15 tonight, she informed me that she has been called into work early.  Crap! Crap! Crap! 

This meeting isn't crucial, but what is crucial is my sanity. I absolutely need a break from Sidekick and need to be with adults to have adult conversation, even if it will be primarily work related.  Juggling sick Sidekick with a fulltime job has been a challenge. I'm so run down emotionally, mentally, and physically that I'm afraid I'm not going to survive the weekend with Sidekick.  I called and texted friends to see if anyone can help for a couple of hours tomorrow while I am at my meeting.  Sidekick's fever broke last night and he's doing fine.  I would cancel my meeting in a heartbeat and not put him with other kids if I thought he was still contagious.

School only charges 50% if he is out an entire week, which is why he's not going to school tomorrow.  I certainly didn't want to pay a full week's tuition for a few hours of care, and since I've already been billed for the week, I couldn't really bring him in. 

I am so grateful to my SAHM friend who has a son Sidekick's age and an almost one year old daughter.  My son gets to play with his friend, I get to be with adults, and all I have to do is bring lunch to my friend as a "thank you".

After that, Sidekick has his ENT appointment to see if he will need tubes.  His hearing is really getting worse, and his sick appointment earlier this week still showed a lot of fluid.  This boy has had fluid in his ears for over two months now.  Poor kid.  I really am hoping that the doctor will just recommend tubes (like the pediatrician suggested) since we have documentation that his ears haven't cleared in over two months.  Let's just add one more thing to my list of stuff to do! 

When it rains it pours.  Sidekick never gets sick, and he has gotten nailed with sickness the past six weeks. 

On a good note... my basement is moving along well and it will be finished by next weekend.  Hooray for the simple things!

Friday, February 12, 2016

Job Stress, Life Stress, and an Issue with Sidekick

I'm back!!!!!  Wow!  I can't believe it's been so long since I have written anything in my blog.  Life has been... well... pretty shitty workwise and busy with life in general. 
I've been with my company for 16 years, which I'm pretty proud of.  My company has been bought out so many times and has been under new management more times than I can remember.  We were at our national sales meeting in early January, and quite frankly, it sucked.  It was depressing. It was not what we needed.  It was not fun at all.  I hated every minute of it. What really sucks is that after Sidekick was so sick, I was so excited to get out of town, even if it was work related, but I sure hated where I was.

On September 1st, we were challenged to sell $150,000 of new business in Q4 (our slowest quarter), and the top ten account executives, would receive a $500 Visa gift card. I decided to play the game so I looked good, and I actually sold the required amount, which I took from my 2016 sales.  During the awards at the sales meeting, my manager stood up and said that apparently no one had qualified for that gift card.  I was PISSED!  I immediately told him I had, and he asked me to send him an email with "documentation" which I did.  Apparently, customers had to be billed by the 18th of December which was a Friday.  My customer sent their order in that morning, but the company didn't bill them until Monday, so I didn't win!  My manager has always been supportive and explained to his manager who he had in 2015 that it's not my fault the company did that.  Unfortunately, we are under new management again, and they don't seem to give a shit. So while I played the game to make myself look good and help the company, I got screwed and didn't get the gift card. That left a very sour taste in my mouth and I began to not really care.
Fast forward to a week ago, and we were given our sales goals.  Mine went up about $1.2 million, and our bonus structure is paying us $10,000 less. Does that make sense???  My manager explained to his manager that the company is setting us up for failure and that it is impossible his team will hit their number... not because we suck but because it's unreasonable.  My manager's manager is a slave driver.  He has no life, so he expects us to be on the road (I have a home office) five days a week and then do cost proposals, emails, etc. in the evening.  Is he freaking kidding?  I have a life and I don't get paid enough.  The company dynamics knocked me into a bit of a depression...
I became a shitty mom.  I mean to the point that Sidekick knew something was up.  I cried easily, and I could barely talk about work. I lost my patience with Sidekick and snipped at him often.  I was so overwhelmed with my job that I couldn't function.  I seemed to not be able to keep up.  It was horrible.  And then I realized I had to get a grip and focus on what is important... my family.  So Sidekick and I went out and enjoyed life!  We had two weekends of warm spells, so we went hiking.  Sidekick hiked 2 1/2 miles one day and didn't once ask for me to carry him.  At the end, he still wanted to play in the playground.  His energy is endless, and I love it!  He is confident, fearless, and a free spirit... all things I needed to remind myself to be.  Being out in nature with this amazing boy was just what I needed.


And then we shoveled snow, and played in it, and laughed, and then cozied up in front of the fireplace. I took it all in... the innocence of this sweet boy, his love for me, and his compassion and excitement for the world around. 

While all of that has been going on, my house has been a mess!  My unfinished basement has been under construction and will be finished in two weeks!  My office is in my bedroom, Sidekick's kitchen is in the kitchen, his tool bench is in the hallway next to my bedroom, and his train table is in his bedroom.  I am thankful that he doesn't have very many toys because I have not idea what I would do with all the crap.  And the dust... goodness gracious the dust that covers the floors, furniture, etc. I've given up on keeping it clean.  I cannot wait to put everything back together and have a warm, comfy, basement where my office will be, Sidekick's toys will all be, and our new, big TV will be.  Exciting times ahead. 
As if all of that wasn't keeping me busy, I've been dealing with Sidekick's hearing issue.  Through the school district, they do a developmental screening and he failed his hearing test on December 1st.  He retested a month later, and he failed again. We went to an audiologist, and he has been diagnosed with mild hearing loss.  We are hopeful that it a result of fluid in his ears, so we finally have an appointment with an ENT next Friday.  He can hear, but for months he's been saying he can't hear the music, TV, etc very well.  And within the past few weeks, he's been commenting that he hears a buzzing sound in his ears.  He also qualified for speech therapy through the school district.  Fortunately, the speech therapist will go to his school (daycare) once a week, and I don't have to pay for it.  He's having trouble with the "k" sound, which really sucks when your name starts with a C, and in my state, that means he can get speech therapy.  His speech therapist and I are wondering if the hearing issue is causing the speech issue.  I guess I'll know more after his appointment with the ENT next week. 
Seriously... I've had more on my plate this past two months than I ever have!  While I struggled with the decision to have only one child, the last two months I am so relieved that I only have one.  Juggling work, Sidekick's appointments, construction, etc. has been really tough and exhausting. I so wish I had family in the same state so I can just get a break.  
And finally... it's two days before Valentine's Day and today was Sidekick's party at school.  While this shirt is grammatically incorrect, I bought it because we love skulls (and crossbones).  This boy sure makes me smile, and I'm glad I found my way back to being a patient, loving, somewhat happy Momma.   

I'm sure I've missed a lot more, but it's getting late, and I am exhausted. At least I feel a little more caught up with this blog!  I totally sucked for a long time.  Priorities, right?  Boy, I was really struggling with that.  Hoping to feel back on track soon! 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Super Sick Sidekick!

Sunday night, Sidekick kept telling me his legs and forehead hurt and that he was cold.  I blew it off.  Yesterday morning, he woke up with a fever that crept as high as 103 degrees in the evening.  Aside from a few random colds, my kid has not been sick since he had a horrible case of Hand Foot and Mouth that covered him from head to toe when he was 15 months old (over two years!).  He's never had a fever either, so I knew he was definitely sick this time around. 

Being a SMC when having a sick kid sucks because there's no one to stay home from work besides me.  I had an appointment with a school district (I work in educational sales), so I dressed him in his "work" clothes, gave him some ibuprofen, and off we went!  He was so excited to go to work with me and was so well behaved.  People complemented him on his "work" attire and were very sweet to him.  We were in and out in about an hour, and he spent the rest of the day watching movies on the sofa (among the loudness from my basement in the midst of being under construction... electric saws, big nail guns, drilling, hammering, etc.) 

Last night he had that barking cough that I've only heard about and never witnessed/experienced.  It was scary because it would start while he was sleeping, and he'd start gasping for air and then panic.  At one point in the middle of the night, I picked him up and carried him outside into the 22 degree cold to let him breathe, and it helped him a lot.  At 5:00 AM, he walked into my bedroom to wake me up and ask me to take his temperature. (Such a grown boy.)  I did and it was 101.2, so another round of meds he got. He crawled into my bed (not anything we ever do), and I laid next to what felt like a hot oven.  He rolled over and stroked my hair in such a sweet, loving way and told me that even though he was sick, it was okay.  And then he bark-coughed all over my face.  Great.  At 5:30 AM, he wanted to go back to his bed which made me happy, and he slept for another 1 1/2 hours. 

I called the pediatrician who said I definitely need to bring him in.  He has Croup (which I suspected).  I had no milk (in addition to not having much food at all) or dog food in the house, so after the doctor, we ran to the Petsmart and Walmart to pick up some things.  On the way home, we picked up his prescription for steroids and went home.  I was planning on doing all the shopping yesterday after work before I picked him up from school. He has totally messed up my week. 

Apparently, Croup has three bad nights, but his doctor thinks the steroids will kick in quickly.  I dosed him up when we got home, we went down to see the progress on the basement, and when we came back upstairs, I noticed a puddle of his meds on the floor!  He neglected to tell me he spilled some of his medicine.  F**K!  I remember seeing how much he had after what I thought was the remaining amount left from what he swallowed, which was really what was left after he spilled, so I have him just a couple mL more... probably not enough. 

I was told Croup takes an interesting course... once the high fever hits (which was 103 for Sidekick), it can fluctuate for several days.  How can I know when I can take him back to school when I think he's okay and then he spikes another fever?  I called daycare to update the director and explained that I may have to keep him home all week and that there should be a donation for the parents of kids who keep their kids home when they are sick. Haha.  I'd gladly contribute if it kept my child healthier.  She laughed.  She told me that if he stays home the entire week, they will discount the week.  That is so nice of them, so rather than pay full price of the week for one, maybe two days, I'll just keep him out the entire week.  If I had work appointments, I'd be forced to take him once his fever broke, but it's a slow week since schools are just getting back after winter break.  Thank goodness!  I have no idea what I would have done if I had a sales presentation, important meeting, etc.  I would have been screwed!

Next week I travel to Florida for our national sales meeting.  While I will probably get sick from Sidekick, I am eternally grateful I was here when he was sick.  I know my mom would do great with him, but I'm the one that needs to take care of him, and there is no way I could focus during my meeting.  My mom even said she would have been far more worried than I currently am and that would have made being away from him harder. 

I have a home office which is the only thing saving me.  My house is upside down with the construction on the basement.  Toys that are normally in the basement are on the other two floors and my desk is now in my bedroom.  Sidekick watched movies one floor below while I worked.  My life is chaotic and I feel so trapped.  It really is hard to be a SMC with a sick kid and no help.  I don't ever ask for help from friends (call me too proud).  I felt badly for dragging him out to run errands with me, but I didn't have much of a choice. He has been so incredibly good.  I've commented that I really like sick Sidekick because he is less of a "Threenager".  He's quite enjoyable to be around. 

Once he's better, life will be interesting next week.  He will have been out of school for more than a week with the New Year holiday, has more than exceeded his 30 minutes of TV he gets every day, and I'll be out of town.  Could be a rough week for Grandma.  I normally hate these meetings, but after this week, I am looking forward to just getting away from my sweet little boy that has been home with me 24/7 since last Thursday.  Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything, but this has been exhausting.

What a great (sarcasm) start to 2016!

Friday, January 1, 2016

Lonely in Life

I had started a post a few days ago about Christmas, but I just didn't find it to be "right".  I have more than a recap of Christmas about which to write, so for now an entry about Christmas is on the backburner, and may never make in to an official post.  That's okay.  I have more weighing on me right now. 

I've never been a fan of holidays.  They haven't usually made me happy for as long as I can remember. I've had my fair share of loneliness during the holidays... some where I've been all alone due to family "estrangement", some where I've been with my family, some where it's just been me and Sidekick.  But, I've never felt "whole".  This year, while my mom was here for Christmas, I felt especially lonely on New Year's Eve. I hate saying that because I have Sidekick, but I don't think he's enough for me. (Gosh, I hate putting that in writing.)

During my time of being alone (no kid/boyfriend), I always thought the holidays (and life in general) would be more fulfilling when I had a child or got married.  And they are.  Really, they are.  But something is missing. I miss companionship. I miss sharing my life with someone other than a 3 1/2 year old.  I'm jealous of the more "traditional" families surrounding me. They seem to have their own lives that we don't fit into. I feel alienated from my friends. It just feels like my world is Sidekick, work, the occasional workout/run, keeping up a house, running errands, and the occasional adventure/outing with Sidekick with or without friends joining us.  That just doesn't seem like enough.

I'm at that point in my life when I feel like if I had another baby, everything would be better because I'd be so busy and happy that Sidekick had a sibling, when in fact this feeling of loneliness would just creep up on me again.  I know it would.  So for practicality and financial reasons, I push that thought away, but then I feel guilty that Sidekick is growing up in this world the way he is, especially with no sibling.  Ugh!  What is my problem????!!! 

Sidekick's schedule has been wacky for a couple of weeks because of the holidays and my mom being in town, even though I've stuck with it for all but a couple of days.  His napping has been hit or miss, and when he naps, he's up late.  I'm fortunate that he will stay in his bed and read books until he falls asleep around 9:30, but then I feel like he should be hanging with me, even though I need my downtime.  Guilt.  Last night, New Year's Eve, he was exhausted, and he was asleep shortly after I put him in bed at 8:00.  I spent the evening watching Netflix... alone. So depressing.

Not only is being a SMC difficult, especially now that my kid is a Threenager (and a monster because he's really difficult right now), but it's also lonely.  Nights can be long and lonely.  Life can be "blah" when you have a kid glued to your hip and have to think about him and his needs every waking moment.  I can't be carefree and just run to the store and wander around aimlessly because Sidekick is touching everything and wanting to go his own way in the store.  I can't go for a long run because I need to hire a babysitter and don't want to spend the money.  I can't just pick up and go somewhere without paying attention to how close it is to a meal, nap, bedtime, etc. 

Don't get me wrong... I love Sidekick more than anything in the world. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life.  He has filled a hole in my heart and has taught me so much about life. But, I need more.  So... for 2016, I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to do things that fulfill my life.  I'm going to be on the lookout for a great guy to join our great little family.  I'm going to find peace and happiness in everything around me. I'm going to get back to feeling like a whole person again who really does have a good life and not get wrapped up in the monotony of life. I'm going to start running again and hopefully train for another half marathon (then I stress about how I will get all the training in with Sidekick.) I don't like using the word "resolution" and I don't really like tacking the timing of these things to a new year.  For my situation, it just happened to be timely to a new year.  (If that makes sense.)

I just need to be reminded that during horrible temper tantrums, a dirty house, a stressful job, and everything else that we deal with on a daily basis, there really is more to all of that that can make me feel complete. Thankfully, a kiss out of the blue from Sidekick always brings a smile to my face.  It really is the little things, and I just need to get back to appreciating them while doing something along the way that makes me happy. 

Happy New Year, everyone!  May 2016 be everything that you are looking for.  What are some things that you will focus on in 2016?