I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand

I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand
I'll Always Hold my Little Boy's Hand

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Guilt (and Let's be Honest, Obession) about #2

With the snowstorm in process and the inability to go out because the roads are bad, being trapped with Sidekick is a bad thing for both of us!  We hate being cooped up, and being cooped up gives me too much time to think about things, a "thing" I just blogged about last month, so a lot of this is repetitive. (I'm seriously thinking I have a serious case of OCD!) 

I have mentioned way too many times my desire to have a second baby.  I've confessed that I want a second baby more than I wanted my first one (to justify that, when I was trying to get pregnant with Sidekick, I was worried if I could actually be a SMC financially, emotionally, physically, etc.)  For the majority of the time, I find being a SMC quite easy (I know, don't shoot me) and very rarely have I found it overwhelming (except when juggling work with a sick child, and my crazy work month this month with too much travelling and late day sales presentations that end after Sidekick's school closes).  Normally, when being a SMC is difficult for me, it just seems to be a random day here and there.  I contribute that to Sidekick's easy going personality and the strict schedule to which I hold him.  Since Sidekick was born, he has just joined me for the "ride" and hasn't turned my world upside down in a negative way at all. Sidekick has only enhanced my life.  So... if one is so wonderful, would two be just as wonderful?

Lately there are so many people in my life telling me I "have" to have another one, that it's not fair for Sidekick not to have a sibling, and that I'm meant to have more than one child. Ugh!  As if I wasn't already stressing enough about this, I have people telling me to have a second child.   On a side note, having a sibling doesn't mean they will be best friends, or even friends.  My sister and I have never had a close relationship at all (and at the moment, we don't have any type of relationship), so I oftentimes feel like I am an only child. I know I can raise two children quite easily, so that's not the hold up.  When I have these conversations with people, I ask if they will contribute to daycare and college, and they quickly shut up.  Haha! 

The owner of Sidekick's daycare and I have a great relationship.  She has told me she would give me a good deal if I have a second child. Whenever this conversation comes up, I ask her what kind of deal, and she tells me to get pregnant and we'll talk.  What she doesn't understand is that I am pretty financially savvy.  I started saving for daycare before I even started trying to get pregnant.  By the time Sidekick started daycare, I had 15 months of daycare saved up, and I continue to contribute every month so I have a cushion.  I'm too much of a planner when it comes to my finances.  I have zero debt (except my condo, if that's considered debt),  and if I can't pay for something, I don't buy it. So, I have to financially plan for a second child in my head and even on paper, and not knowing what kind of "deal" the owner of daycare would give me makes planning for Baby #2 a bit challenging.

I am putting my condo on the market the beginning of April.  While I'd like to put in on the market in March, my life is way too crazy with work (travelling and sales presentations).  I can't worry about keeping my condo clean all the time, worrying about people taking care of Sidekick and them having to keep it clean and ready at a moment's notice for a showing, and needing to get Dog out of the condo for a showing in the midst of all of this.  That is Way. Too. Much. Stress. While I could have another child in this already cramped condo, I really can't.  Dog, a toddler, an infant, Momma, and a home office is way too much to cram into 1050 square feet.  Not to mention all the stairs and no yard for Dog (which sometimes already poses a problem).

The other challenge I face is that even though IVF is covered under my insurance, I refuse to go down that road.  It took eight IUIs for me to get pregnant, four of which were with injectable fertility meds (which I didn't want to do).  I am now three years older, so my age will definitely work against me more than it did last time.  My fear the first time of using fertility meds was that it increases my likelihood for multiples.  I was originally pregnant with twins with Sidekick and it freaked me out! A follow-up ultrasound showed I had lost one.  (In a lot of respects, I was happy about that because I didn't know if I could raise/handle twins).  Looking back, I think I could have handled raising twins on my own with no family in the same state to help, but at the time it seemed impossible... not to mention the financial aspect of it!  Ugh!  See... I'm back to finances.  So, unless I was willing to do IVF where we could control how many embryos I implant, I would have to do fertility meds which would increase my chances of having twins, and I cannot have three kids! 

The other thing that adds fuel to the fire is when I previously blogged about feeling guilty about wanting to be a SMC without thinking about how this may affect my child down the road:  Was I Being Selfish for Wanting to be a SMC?  So... am I being selfish for not giving Sidekick a sibling?  (I think that'll be it's own separate blog entry next.) 

I go over and over about all of this in my head daily, and I hate to admit that it occupies a big chunk of my brain.  Do I let the practicalities of having a second child override my heart?   Religious friends tell me when I talk about the financial aspects of having a second child that "God will provide".  What the heck does that mean?  Will God reach down and hand me $20,000?  If so, I'll go for it! 

First thing is first, I need to sell my condo.  Until that happens, this baby thing has to be on the back burner.  Maybe after Sidekick, Dog, and I get settled in our new home, this desire to have #2 will fall by the wayside, and I can just be content to have Sidekick.  Don't get me wrong, I am very content with just having Sidekick, but the idea of having two sounds so very wonderful.  I'm so worried I'll regret not having Baby #2. 

Am I the only one who obsesses about Baby #2 this much?  Am I the only one too freaked out about finances to take the leap?  Seriously... what is my problem?

2 comments:

  1. I don't think that counts as an obsession, it is more of a continued thought on a very important decision (which is a good thing).

    In response the question you left me on my (old) blog, moving from blogger to word press will allow me to set my more personal posts and those with photos to private. Then, only the people that I want to allow to have access to those posts can see them. Blogger only allows a writer to set the entire blog to private or none of it. Then, I can set the old blog to private eventually or possibly even delete it all together....then if someone were to click on the links that are in Bloglovin, it will just take them to a dead blogger site.

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  2. It's a huge decision. Giving it much thought is not an obsession! Best wishes for your journey!

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